I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
