Semen is not good for contacts.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
