Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
