My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
