someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I wish there were birth control emojis
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
