Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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