the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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