tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
