theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
