Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
