Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
