FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
