i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
