I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
