i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Randomize
