Betty ford says i'm here all night
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Randomize
