Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
My dick has a subreddit
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
