Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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