I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Randomize
