Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
