She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
