we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
