only if we run a train.
done.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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