Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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