doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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