just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
she pinky promised me she was 18
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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