it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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