I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
