i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
