Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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