how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
