I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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