my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
You should frame my arrest warrant.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
