just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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