Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Randomize
