When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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