well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
