You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
