is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
