If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
