The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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