What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Randomize
