i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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