Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
