my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i was born a porn star she said
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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