My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
