just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
