She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Boobs are out for the taking
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
