he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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