I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
